School is ending, and it's bittersweet.

Last night as I lay in bed, I got to thinking about the kids and summer. Then I got hit over the head with an "ah ha" moment, and realized these last 5 days of school are the last 5 days that Nicholas and Samantha will ever be in the same school.

Next year Nicholas will spread his wings and fly off to middle school, he'll go from being an Eagle, to becoming a baby Falcon 6th Grader. Middle school is a scary place. I so wish that it was "Jr. High", which is what I attended. 7th and 8th. It seems more manageable.

As I watched the kids interact with their friends at the bus stop, I became a little nostalgic. It feels like just yesterday, Nicholas climbed aboard those super tall scary steps, and the bus driver called him the wrong name. Just yesterday, he wore that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle backpack that was half the size of him. Just 2 years ago this fall, Samantha joined her big brother on the bus that would take her to "his" school, that would prepare her for life. I have heard it best said that Kindergarten teaches you how to "do" life, and 1st grade teaches you how to "do" school. I would agree with that. These school years are fleeting. The older they get, the faster the years seem to go by.

If I let my mind wander to much, I start to have anxiety attacks. We'll be having our third (and last) baby in the fall. It will also be the beginning of a new chapter in the Cook household, a chapter of fresh beginnings, kids at two different schools, and a baby at home. I am sure that I will appreciate the "at home" years of 1-5 much more with this being our last baby. Knowing now, what I wish I would have known then, that these years are so fleeting. For when the baby begins kindergarten, we will also have a middle schooler (again) and Nicholas will be a SENIOR in high school.

The only constant thing is change. You just gotta learn to roll with the punches, and make sweet memories along the way.

Sorrounded by His Glory

Last week is a blur of activity. Monday the wait was over, the genetics counselor called with great news that our baby had all 'normal chromosomes' and it is a baby girl! Praise God. My heart did continue to break for the person that has to the the "1" in the 5 that gets bad news.

After a weekend of acceptance that Marty and I would raise any baby that was given to us, (if it was compatible with life) I realized we would have been OK. That it wouldn't have been the ideal situation, but that a special needs baby would have made our kids better for it. That they would have grown up with opportunities to practice compassion, to slow down in life and to realize what really matters.

God showed me a lot in my time of weakness. He showed me that he has blessed me with an amazing husband, Praise music got me through, and I am thankful that I chose to show up to church, continue with normal activities, and pray like I have never prayed before. I am thankful for the test of faith that was put in front of me. I am strong because I serve a mighty God.

When the call from the genetics counselor concluded, I fell to my knees praising God, sobbing, thanking him for his mercy and grace. All while the song, "I can only imagine" played in the background:




Thank you for your prayers, and support. I am blessed, but to Him goes all the Glory!

1:5 ratio

I tried to stay busy today. Marty had training all day long, so the kids and I went to see the movie "Hop" it was cute, however didn't keep my mind very occupied as I had hoped.

I spent the morning doing a little research, and shouldn't have. Nothing I research will change the outcome of the results we'll receive on Monday. My odds of chromosomal abnormalities with my age (37) alone should have been 1:186. After the screen it was 20% which sounds MUCH BETTER than the ratio I broke it down to today 1:5. At least I know what abnormalities are "compatible with life" and what ones are not. My heart breaks for the "1" in that ratio.

What really sucks is that the results are in. They're just sitting in a lab waiting for the Dr's to read them and report them to me on business hours. (see, I can't keep my mind busy) The FISH (aka:fast) results are done in 48 hours after the CVS procedure, and it's now 56 hours & counting.

I've been wrestling with going to church tomorrow. I know that we NEED to go. However, I don't WANT to go. A little over a week ago our names were put into the "expectant parents" bulletin. Ugh. I know I'll cry like a baby during worship. I know I'll hear things I don't want to hear during the service. I know people will say "congrats".

I have been feeling small flutters in my belly for the last few days. The ultrasound tech confirmed them when doing the ultrasound asked me if I felt that (after she saw it on the screen) I did. Very subtle, very light. She's letting me know she's there.

I had to buy Samantha an Easter dress today, and it's all I could do to not cry in the store, surrounded by babies and baby clothes. I told Marty that I feel like our world has stopped (at least mine) and everything is still going on as planned around me. Waiting just plain sucks. It reminds me of one of my miscarriages when we were forced to 'wait it out' over valentines weekend.

I want to be hopeful. Or as my brother said "well, I'm a betting man, and 80% odds of everything being fine is a bet I'd take". Yeah, 80% is great, however the NT scan still showed an abnormality, and even if the chromosomes are totally fine, there still could be heart issues.

Until Monday I need to just put one foot in front of the other. Choosing to believe that God is Good. No matter what the outcome. Sometimes when you pray for patience, you get a test to practice it, and that's definitely what this is.

A dear friend texted me last night, and said such healing words to me. In the midst of this she said "I'm so sorry Jen, I just don't know what to say." To which I replied. "Thank you, just pray". That's all I can ask for. That and placing my BLIND HOPE in a very sovereign God. He is the Prince of Peace. I have felt it before, and it comes in waves. I believe he lets us get uncomfortable enough to cry out to Him, and then reveals his perfect Peace. It's like a warm blanket. There's nothing like it.

The waiting game.

I know that it's been a long while since I last blogged. I have opened this page many times, and not sure where to begin, I just close it for "another day".

Here's the very short update to the situation with my mom:
1. My dad moved into his own place
2. My moms new boyfriend moved into my parents old house
3. My mom "stopped by" with my birthday present last week, and her new boyfriend while the kids were home......
4. Mom and I are trying to rebuild our relationship, but it's a slow going.

Here's what's happened in our lives since February:
Valentines day I found out that we were expecting baby #3. We are beyond thrilled, as this is something we have wanted for a long time. In August 2010 Marty (my husband) told me he was ready. I was blown away. I had handed it over to God in November of 2009. Once we found out we were pregnant, the wait to see my Dr. was long. She sees her patients at 8-weeks. We went in, and hoped for the best, for God to be faithful. He was, we saw a tiny heart beat of 168 bpm. Next appt would be the nucal Translucency screening on 4-14-11.

Yesterday I went in for my NT scan, and met with the genetic counselor before hand. I felt fine. Like it was a way to see our little pumpkin again. If it all was "normal" then we would skip any invasive tests.

The u/s went OK. The baby wasn't in the optimal viewing position, it was face down, and she wanted face up, eventually we got it sideways and the u/s tech was able to manipulate the positioning (her words) so she could get the measurement. All the small talk etc made me feel like everything was OK.

We waited in the room for 15-minutes while she met with the Dr. I even took a photo of the baby and placed it on FB! What happened next took my breath away. The Dr. came in and told me that he was concerned by the measurement. They like to see it under 2.5, and ours was 3.7. He said at that point there wasn't really a reason to do the blood work, since it would come back with a raised reading.He said the baby had a 20% chance of downs and 10% chance of structural abnormalities, and they both go hand in hand with Downs Syndrome.

We were offered CVS right then and there, and given a little time to decide. I chose to have it done, as I want to know!

The CVS was painful for me, the Dr. was amazing, but it was still painful. They did the trans-cervix way. All I could think was to breathe slow and deep. I kept reciting "I can do all things through Christ who strenthens me" Philippians 4:13. It's the only scripture that came to mind. When you don't know what to pray, the holy spirit intevenes.

When it was done, the Dr told me that 80% of the CVS tests he does come back totally normal, and 20% have issues. We opted for the FISH results, and should know on Monday evening. I'm trying to read everything I can online etc. I am terrified. There's also a 1% chance of miscarriage in the first 48 hours after the CVS Procedure.

I am not sure of God's plan for us. I don't think that any of us are. However ever since August Downs Syndrome has been in the for front of my mind as one of the risks as "advanced maternal age" at 37 years old. It seems like everywhere I turn, there it is. Many people have referred to this as the same thing that happens when you buy a new car, suddenly everyone has the same car. Here are the instances that stick out in my mind. I really think God has been trying to wake me up to it. If not to raise a Downs baby than to at least know more about it. To question my faith. To dig deeper in my walk with Him.

August 2010- Magazine article in parents magazine that was beautifully written by Kele Hampton I originally started following it for the photography, but was drawn into Kele and sweet Nella's story.

October 2010- Vegas trip with Marty. Saw a mom and a dad in the lazy river with their teenage son, he had down syndrome. They were all so sweet together, and the boy was SO HAPPY. I couldn't stop watching them.

Many magazine stories etc, along the way, and then when I was 9 weeks pregnant we went to Great Wolf Lodge, and we saw at least 6-10 kids with DS. All were happy. I felt like God was softening my heart to them, to their parents. I sent up prayers on their behalf for the world to be kind. Marty noticed them too. I felt drawn to talk to their parents, but how do you open that conversation?

Yesterday was rough. I had thoughts go through my head that questioned every ounce of my faith. I talked to people on both sides. I respect all their advice, but in the end Marty and I need to do what we can be right with, what would be right with God. I have amazing family. I cried when Marty told me his dad told him to give me a big hug. I cried when my sister in law asked me the hard questions. And told me she loved the baby regardless. I cried with all the texts and prayers. I cried out in thanks for all the love and support I feel from real life friends, and online friends. We all stand in the gap for each other and those are the people I want in my life.

And here we are. Waiting. For test results, and my faith being tested to the core. I have and am and always been pro-life. However, yesterday, that was tested as all the what ifs went through my head. Marty was amazing, he's always been my rock, and after a day filled with uncontrollable tears, and sadness, and the fear of the unknown, he came home and said "I'll still love it if it has Down Syndrome, Jen, they're so happy. our kids would be better for it." I. Love. This. Man. He has always thought his Mom's care of autistic and DS kids was preparing him for something larger in life. Maybe this is that opportunity, and maybe not.

I am a bit calmer today. I wanted to get all of this down, before I forgot half of it. Listening to worship music has kept me calm today, and really reading the word and studying it. I have been on my knees praying. "I am resting in the shadow of His wings." (The Healing of God)I am "Laying down my burdens" (Amy Grant)

Will update on Monday. Thank you for reading.

A little bit of JOY

A little bit of Joy.....
My Dear friend, Donna Lyn had been with Creative memories for ions! I met her at a Mary Kay party, and she's always been someone I've been drawn to. I think we "get" each other. There's always plenty of girl talk, laughs, giggles etc. However, there's not a need for "small talk". She's genuine, and I love that about her. I love that I want to be like her one day. genuine. honest. beautiful.Christ like and VERY REAL. What you see is what you get, but it's done with LOVE.

Anyway, she's been searching for a new company for a new chapter of her life. In December we met at sweet tomatoes, and she told me about Thirty-One gifts, and she had such a renewed sparkle in her eyes.

In august 2009 after reading alot here www.pinktruth.com, I decided that after 13 years, Mary Kay Cosmetics, was not a good fit for me anymore. I sent my products back, and severed the ties with the company that I once thought I would be with forever.

I wanted to support Donna Lyn's new business, so I went to her open house, and I fell in love with Thirty-One! I love that the company is a Christ centered company founded on the Proverbs 31 woman! How cool is that? I love that the products help busy moms like myself stay organized, and that they are fashion forward. I love that I don't need to carry thousands of dollars of inventory! NO inventory to be exact. I love that I finally get to work closely with one of my best friends. Someone I admire, and had me and my families best interests at heart. Most of all, I love that in the midst of some pretty dark stuff with my mom, I see possibility and JOY! I love that. Thank you Donna Lyn for letting me join you on this journey. Give us 2-years, and you'll see some pretty big things!!!

Feel free to look-online, book a catalog event, or just browse my website!

My mom retired and became a floozy.

Yep I said it. My mom is a floozy.

My mom and dad were married for 34 years. My mom told my dad on the 35th anniversary of their meeting that she loved him, but wasn't in love with him, and gave him a "Dear John" letter to end their marriage.

I knew all along that this was coming, it was never a matter of "if" but more of "when". As much as I had hoped and prayed that they would find a way to stick together, and that my mom would realize that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, October 13, 2009 she sealed the deal with that fateful letter.

A mere three months later, she told me that she has someone special in her life now, and would like for me to meet him. Me being the good daughter, and having a polyanna view of life, I said sure. I prayed about it, and took the kids 4 hours away to meet "moms new boyfriend". Even though my brother, and even my husband thought I was crazy.

In 2006 my family, and my parents spent Christmas break in Sunriver. To get to sunriver, you have to go through a small western like town. At that time my mom mentioned to all of us that "one day she'd love to live in the western town". Fast forward to current year of 2010, and she must have sought out a man that was widowed, doing pretty well for himself and living in the western town.

Boyfriend #1 is a GREAT guy. He has a great sense of humor, but also treats my mom like his housewife. Until my mom sells her house, my dad and her are "co-habitating" in it, however mom is there 2 weeks at a time, and usually in Central Oregon for the other 2 weeks out of the month.

The begining of January, my Dad had surgery. While he was doped up on some pretty heavy narcotics, he mentioned to me that mom has been seeing at least 1, and possibly up to three other men while she is at "home" from Boyfriend #1's house. He told me about the jewlery, the trips, etc. This is AFTER boyfriend #1 has bought my mom the following:

1. A motorhome
2. a Saint Bernard (to breed)
3. A havenese dog (to breed)
4. and misc. other items

I have ways of knowing what communications happen with my mom and her suitors. It didn't take a rocket scientist. Tonight, I called to talk to my mom and dad asnwered the phone. He told me "she's at the beach, with Kathy" Interesting, she also went to Central Oregon with this same "Kathy" when she was stepping out on her marriage with boyfriend #1. So it is pretty obvious that my mom is on some romantic getaway with boyfriend #2, 3, or 4, and she's having her cake and eating it too. All while taking my Dad, (and Boyfriend #1) to the cleaners along the way.

So yes, she "retired" from Real Estate, and is now a floozy. Looking for a man with deep pockets, and a bigger Dick.

Living Joyfully with wonderful friends.

Today I will head out to get a massage, and then meet up with some of my favorite scrapbooking peeps. Last year I read an amazing book called "Grown up Friendships" It truly changed the way I look at my friends.

In December, Donnna Lyn had mentioned to me that I have a great circle of friends. It made me step back and think for a minute. Yes, she's right, I have built an amazing network of amazingly different women in my life. I have put in the time required to nurture each of those friendships, as well as being the type of friend that I would like to have.

My friends run in very different circles. There are stay at home moms, work from home moms, preschool teachers, engineers, retail workers, friends from school, friends with kids, and without kids, a politicians wife, our old babysitter and even a Doctor in there too. However, I know that when they all come together, they will likely get along, and find someone in common with their interests. It's a big melting pot.

I value friendship in my life. It makes it JOYFUL, SWEET, and at times a bit chaotic. I know that if I ever needed a friend to stand in the gap for me, they would. I know I have friends who will tell me like it is, and be gentle with me. I have friends who will LOVE me for who I am and hear my HEART when it's my turn to do the same for them.

It's important to me, that I model what true friendship looks like to my kids. They need to know that they have to WORK at being a friend, and maintaining friendships.

Here's a few photos of my amazing girlfriends! If you aren't here, sorry! Lets take a picture together soon!

Why? That Pretty Little Head of Hers?

My mother and I have a unique relationship. She has always said we're best friends, but in the next sentence will tell me that she should have married the Dr. Instead of my plumber father, because the Dr. could have afforded her a better lifestyle. The grass is always greener on the the other side. Having said that, where there's alot of craziness there's also alot of love.

In the fall, my friend Cheryl and I took a trip to visit my mom in Sisters, where moms new boyfriend lives. (she and my dad divorced after 35 years of marriage last year). Cheryl got to experience some of my moms crazy antics first hand. From her baking a cake while we put away the warehouse garage sale (a post for another day) or wanting to take a photo of Samantha (my daughter) right after she had been stung by a bee on the face.

On the way home Cheryl told me that I should write a book about my mom. A memoir, if you will, and that I should call it "That pretty little head of hers" The more I thought about it, the more I thought I really should write the book. I plan to use this blog to tell some of those stories, as well as life lessons that I have learned from my mother.

The one thing I have learned to be true, is that while I have a ton of craziness to share with you all, she always taught me to love deeply, forgive quickly, show Grace to those around, and never leave the house without Mascara and lipstick.

Living Joyfully in 2011

Happy New Year!

Yes, I know it's been a while since I've blogged, but I am committed to it in 2011. I plan on blogging about all the ways that I'm living Joyfully in the new year.

Every year I choose a word to focus on for the year, and 2011's word is JOY. We all have a lot of Joy in our lives, and alot of the time it goes un-noticed. As cliche' as it sounds, we need to stop and smell the roses!

I pray that you will find a word to focus on this year and have a fantastic 2011, filled with an abundance of JOY!