1:5 ratio

I tried to stay busy today. Marty had training all day long, so the kids and I went to see the movie "Hop" it was cute, however didn't keep my mind very occupied as I had hoped.

I spent the morning doing a little research, and shouldn't have. Nothing I research will change the outcome of the results we'll receive on Monday. My odds of chromosomal abnormalities with my age (37) alone should have been 1:186. After the screen it was 20% which sounds MUCH BETTER than the ratio I broke it down to today 1:5. At least I know what abnormalities are "compatible with life" and what ones are not. My heart breaks for the "1" in that ratio.

What really sucks is that the results are in. They're just sitting in a lab waiting for the Dr's to read them and report them to me on business hours. (see, I can't keep my mind busy) The FISH (aka:fast) results are done in 48 hours after the CVS procedure, and it's now 56 hours & counting.

I've been wrestling with going to church tomorrow. I know that we NEED to go. However, I don't WANT to go. A little over a week ago our names were put into the "expectant parents" bulletin. Ugh. I know I'll cry like a baby during worship. I know I'll hear things I don't want to hear during the service. I know people will say "congrats".

I have been feeling small flutters in my belly for the last few days. The ultrasound tech confirmed them when doing the ultrasound asked me if I felt that (after she saw it on the screen) I did. Very subtle, very light. She's letting me know she's there.

I had to buy Samantha an Easter dress today, and it's all I could do to not cry in the store, surrounded by babies and baby clothes. I told Marty that I feel like our world has stopped (at least mine) and everything is still going on as planned around me. Waiting just plain sucks. It reminds me of one of my miscarriages when we were forced to 'wait it out' over valentines weekend.

I want to be hopeful. Or as my brother said "well, I'm a betting man, and 80% odds of everything being fine is a bet I'd take". Yeah, 80% is great, however the NT scan still showed an abnormality, and even if the chromosomes are totally fine, there still could be heart issues.

Until Monday I need to just put one foot in front of the other. Choosing to believe that God is Good. No matter what the outcome. Sometimes when you pray for patience, you get a test to practice it, and that's definitely what this is.

A dear friend texted me last night, and said such healing words to me. In the midst of this she said "I'm so sorry Jen, I just don't know what to say." To which I replied. "Thank you, just pray". That's all I can ask for. That and placing my BLIND HOPE in a very sovereign God. He is the Prince of Peace. I have felt it before, and it comes in waves. I believe he lets us get uncomfortable enough to cry out to Him, and then reveals his perfect Peace. It's like a warm blanket. There's nothing like it.